Gummy Worms

I never wanted to be an "old" mom. The one who embarrasses their kid because they are older then the other mothers and can't do something that they can. I had always thought that I would have kids in my 20's or early 30's at the most but it didn't quite work out that way as life rarely does. I didn't have my son until I was older. At the hospital when I was in labor one nurse asked me how old I was and when I told her I don't know if she believed me or not. She looked like she was in disbelief. I don't know if that was good or bad so I took it as good, me looking younger then the 40 years I had lived on the earth at that time. 

My son will be turning 11 soon and I was looking back over the years with him and looking at my face in the mirror. Since he was born I have colored my strands of grey hair that seemed to pop up out of the nowhere these last couple of years and I am not as fast as I used to be but basically just as strong mentally and physically. I can still tell when most people are lying to me and and when they think they are getting over on me.  I now have a few laugh lines around my mouth and my eyes are more puffy in the mornings when I get up and of course menopause has kicked in which has it good and bad points that come along with that. I have reconciled with the fact that my son will be an only child. At least the only one that I will physically have. But, I think all in all the years have been pretty kind to me. 

Motherhood is nothing that I thought it would be. It is so much more then I could have ever imagined  in my wildest imagination. I will never know what kind of mom I would have been 20 years ago but I do know the mom that I am today and I am going to say I don't think I am half bad.  

My son wants a chocolate cake with gummy worms on it for decoration for his birthday. Before he was born gummy worms weren't even in my vocabulary. Yes, motherhood has definitely been an adventure. Now, I will be shopping for gummy worms, the ones with different colors on aisle 4 of the grocery store aisle.  

Nine Months, Two Weeks and 11 Days!

After nine months of being sick every single day of my pregnancy it was time, time to go to the hospital. I had prepared myself for nine months after I got over the shock for this baby. I did the usual stuff that all expectant mothers do. I got all the stuff that I thought the baby would need and some stuff that I didn't need. My son's father friends gave him a baby shower and he got some more stuff for the baby.
So, we walked into the hospital on December 7, 2004 intending to have my baby that same day. But, that didn't happen. They induced labor and for the next two days I laid in bed waiting to dilate enough for the baby to come out. They moved me from one side of the bed to the other, poked, tested, monitored me, etc..every five seconds it seemed someone was coming in the room to check on something. For two days I waited and waited and finally I said it was enough. I couldn't take any more poking, testing, moving, pain and someone was going to get this baby out of me NOW!

So, at 6:18am, December 9, 2004 my son was born via c-section. The minute I looked at the precious face I was in love with my baby. And then the nurse busted my temporary "baby bubble" she said now the work begins.

The New Normal

Sometimes for a long period of time, maybe months, maybe days, maybe even years things go good. They go so good that you are knocking on wood everyday hoping and praying that they will stay that way until the end of time or at least for the next week. It is just a period of time when things look great and if you had planned your life it wouldn't have come out any better then what you are living. Everything is just cool.

I take those periods and fully enjoy them because I know that before long they will just be a distant memory for me. I especially am over the moon happy when my mom doesn't have any health problems whatsoever. For a period of time she was in the hospital every other month and nobody, doctors wise, could figure out what was going on to drive her in and out of the hospital. They went with strokes, mini strokes as they called them and then some more doctor talk that they tried to bring down to the level of someone like me not in the medical profession, just a worried and concerned daughter, but most of it didn't make much sense to me and most of it I had to ask what they met over and over again until I got a better understanding of what they were talking about. At the last trip to the hospital they explained that on top of everything else they thought she was having small seizures and explained to me that all seizures are not the jerky kind, as they put it that you can just "zone out" like she was doing and being unresponsive but they come back in a few minutes or so. But the time they told me that my head was swimming with all the other things they told me and I was trying to digest it all. Five days later she was sent home with medications that could probably be used to open a small pharmacy. And to her it was a small pharmacy since she had never in her life been on anything until now. 

I always pray that we don't see another hospital and that her health at least stabilizes so to say. I know that she won't get much better and all these things won't disappear and that she will have to be on all these medications for the rest of her life but I just want the good days to last longer. I really want them to turn into good years and maybe a good decade. I want her to live the rest of her life as happy as she was before. She can't be as active but she can be as happy I think. So, everyday I try to do little things to make her happy. Just little things that she likes that makes a little difference to us but a big difference to her. She wanted chocolate candy the other day. I checked to see if she could have it. And it was a go so she got to have some chocolate candy and she smiled and ate that chocolate candy like it was the best thing she had tasted in her life. 

It gave me a smile seeing her enjoy it so much. She also likes her fuzzy bear slippers that we got her, my son and I, for Christmas two or three Christmas' ago. During the night she likes to wear them and giggles like a school girl when the ears of the bears move when she walks. Simple things like that give her joy now. We almost do the happy dance when she locates the sleeve or her shirt by herself and is able to put her arm through without any direction or help. My son even clapped for her one day when she did it all by herself. 

Well, this morning was rough. It had been the roughest one yet in a while. I would compare it to almost like taking care of a new born who is up every two or three hours and you are constantly up with the baby trying to figure out if she or he is hungry, wet, or just cranky and wanting attention from mom and dad. That was like my morning today. My mom had an upset tummy and she was in the bathroom practically all night and into the wee hours of the morning and it just not let up a little bit. I don't know what made that happen since she is not eating anything different. But, from time to time that happens and it takes it toll on us but in a day at the most she returns to her normal. 

Normal, that is a word for you. Normal changes way too often and what is normal today is not normal tomorrow and the next day and the next day and so on and so forth so I use that word with a grain of salt . Normal for my mom has changed greatly. Normal for me has changed and normal in general is not so "normal" any more. 

Read Me!

Lately at night I have been reading more books. It kind of relaxes me and it is very peaceful. So, I check out all the free kindle books and choose which ones look good. Usually most of them are "cheesy" romances. The kind where the girl and boy like each other go through some things and then end up together in the end and live happily ever after. I have read my share of them and some of them are pretty good and of course predictable. I found one that is about "big girls" but in the book the woman is not really that big in my opinion but in the standards of today of how big people should be I guess she would be "big" but this book was pretty good even though it had some romance, a couple of romances but the characters were believable. Apparently, there are a few books in the same series. I have read the first. 

I have always enjoyed reading since I first learned to read. I was always reading something. My son on the other hand is the complete opposite of me. He doesn't like to read a whole book. I have to read it with him, take turns in order for him to get through it. You would think it was torture for him to read a whole book by himself. But, at ten even though I like to read I also liked to play too. He loves being outside and playing on his bike or scooter or just being outside bouncing a ball. Anything but being inside and being "bored" as he puts it.  I do like the outdoors too but I also like to curl up with a good book every now and then. 

So, I ordered he second installment of the book about the big girls and am going to start reading that tonight while the rest of the house is asleep and it is just me and my kindle alone and me reading it peacefully and thinking about happy endings that can only be found in books.

One Shoe At A Time

I knew that this day was coming. I knew it the day my son was born and I was counting all of his tiny fingers and toes and playing "this little piggy" with him when he was a baby. I didn't think that it would be this soon though. I thought that it would be a couple more years down the line. I have been thinking about this day though for a while as I watched him get bigger and taller. Mostly taller. And the day finally got here today. 

I watched my son eagerly open the package that came this morning with his name on it. He loves getting mail and I watched as his eyes lit up when he realized what was in the package. His brand spanking new blue running shoes. I caught a good sale on Amazon a few days ago and I asked him if he liked them and he said that he did and so I ordered them with some Amazon gift card "cash" I had from Christmas that my friend had given me and some that I earned on the chat about site for 1000 points answering surveys and questions. I knew that sooner or later that he was going to need shoes again. And the sooner came a few days ago when he showed me holes in the bottom of a pair of shoes, his favorite pair. So, only one thing I could do was get some more. 

He smiled and tried them on and they fit. He laced them up and walked around the house a bit chomping at the bit to get outside to really test them out as he said. Then he took them off and neatly put them back inside the box they came in. I looked at my feet and noticed something. I look at his shoes and noticed something again. Then I started to wonder. I took the right shoe out of the box and put it on my right foot. It actually fit me. It actually was a little big on my foot too. I knew that this day was bound to come that one day his foot would be as big or bigger then mine. My nephews, two out of three of them anyway, have big feet. Big for me but I guess normal size for a man. 

So, I sat there and looked at my foot with the shoe on for a minute or two. I thought how did this happen so soon. At 10 his feet were bigger then mine and he is a mere 4 inches shorter than me now. Time all seemed to just go by so fast. So fast that I wished it would slow down just a little bit. Slow down so I can catch up. But, I know that is not the way it works. Life goes fast sometimes and some times you wish it would go fast when it is going slow. You just have to take it one day at a time, one year at a time and one shoe at a time. 

Sunday Morning

The smell of bacon filling the mid morning air woke me up out of a not so sound sleep. I love the smell of bacon. When it is coming out of my kitchen I really love the smell of it even more. This morning smells of bacon cooking and eggs sizzling on the stove only met one thing for me. It met that I didn't have to rush to get up on this Sunday morning to cook breakfast for anyone except myself. It met that I could just linger in bed for a few more minutes. I could take my time figuring out what tee shirt or sleeveless shirt I wanted to wear over my blue jeans and if I wanted to wear socks or not with my black sneakers. It met I could just have a few minutes for myself and not worry about who was eating and how much they were eating and what they wanted to eat and how I was going to shower, change, cook, clean the kitchen and find some time in between just for myself, some time to just sit and not move for a minute or two. I didn't hear any voices this morning calling my name asking for this and that and have I see this and that and complaining that the eggs are scrambled and not fried and that the pancakes need more syrup or whatever the need would be to make things right in the world of my family. 

On this morning I just sat on the edge of my bed and wondered how long I would have to just do little things that I don't usually do for me on Sunday mornings or any other mornings. I am usually the last person on my list of things to do. My mom is usually up early and I have to get up and give her meds and help her get dressed and situated before I make her breakfast. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I don't mind taking care of her as she did for me when I needed her. Then my son usually is up next and well, he's 10 so everything he thinks revolves around him. Enough said. I remind him sternly that it doesn't. My brother is disabled too but he can mostly do his own thing. He's more independent that my mom ever gave him credit for. Of course, he's the baby of her children so she probably would liked to have kept him that way but he has learned to be independent regardless. I like that about him. He lets nothing stop him. 

So, as I sat on my bed and looking at the pile of various colors and styles of shirts I had piled onto it trying to decide what to wear over my jeans for today a wave of peace came over me. A wave that I hadn't felt in a while. The wave of peace told me that today everything was going to be okay that I didn't need to rush in the front room today or the kitchen, breakfast was taken care of, my mom was dressed and my nephew gave her her meds for the morning and I could just sit. Sit and be me for this one minute in time. 

The downside is this. I finally made it to the kitchen to see what I wanted for breakfast/brunch and although, my nephew cooked breakfast the cleaning up part wasn't done. The dishes  gave me the evil eye hanging out in the sink and the counters were filled with dirty bowls and silverware, the stove well, that is where the dirty pots are waiting. So, I guess you have to take the good with the bad and especially around here. But, the good thing is my bulk order of paper plates should be here by Tuesday! I wish someone would make disposable pots and I would be in not cleaning heaven! 

Tweens

Today is Easter Sunday. I don't have a big family, well, I don't associate with some of my family because as families do they sometimes go their separate

 ways for whatever reason, so the only family I celebrate anything with is small. Five or six people at the most. So, Easter is a small event. A small ham, a small chicken, some potato salad, some yams, some corn and some corn muffins. I cooked yesterday with the help of my sister. She wanted to do more to learn how to cook more. So, I was fine with that and fine with her helping doing the dishes. 

Now, in Easters past my son would cooperate with some pictures, some eating, coloring eggs and so on but this Easter he is acting like he's a teen already. Actually, I guess he is becoming what they now call a "tween". I don't even know where the "tween" ends and the "teen" begins. When I was growing up there was no such thing as a tween anything. You were either a teen or you weren't. But, I was trying to read about this new tween thing. I guess from what I gather it starts around 8-12 years old. So, at 10 I guess he is officially a tween. Today he was not wanting to cooperate like I said with anything. The only thing that his tween mind could think of was going outside to ride his scooter. I asked him to take the usual one or ten pictures and from the expression on his face you would think that I asked him to throw his scooter in the garbage or something. He gave me three or four eye rolls and then proceed to put his dress shirt on over his tee shirt. I didn't argue when I saw the some of the tee shirt sticking out at the bottom from the dress shirt. I knew that this was as good as it was going to get. With a frown on his face looking straight ahead he stood there and let me take a couple. I didn't want to take more since I got more personality from the picture of the colored eggs then from him today. He looked like he was totally bored and wished that he didn't have to stand there. I guess this is the moody tween stage. 

His friend came to the door to ask if he could come outside and of course since he was still clad in that aqua blue dress shoe with a tie and he declined the offer until he had time to change and told his friend that he had to take some "dumb" holiday pictures and would be out later. I just shook my head and stiffled the laugh that was going to come out. I was thinking that I should apologize to my mom for all the "dumb" pictures I gave her attitude for when she wanted to take one or two. 

Well, another holiday is almost over and I put away the camera for the next time.