Gummy Worms

I never wanted to be an "old" mom. The one who embarrasses their kid because they are older then the other mothers and can't do something that they can. I had always thought that I would have kids in my 20's or early 30's at the most but it didn't quite work out that way as life rarely does. I didn't have my son until I was older. At the hospital when I was in labor one nurse asked me how old I was and when I told her I don't know if she believed me or not. She looked like she was in disbelief. I don't know if that was good or bad so I took it as good, me looking younger then the 40 years I had lived on the earth at that time. 

My son will be turning 11 soon and I was looking back over the years with him and looking at my face in the mirror. Since he was born I have colored my strands of grey hair that seemed to pop up out of the nowhere these last couple of years and I am not as fast as I used to be but basically just as strong mentally and physically. I can still tell when most people are lying to me and and when they think they are getting over on me.  I now have a few laugh lines around my mouth and my eyes are more puffy in the mornings when I get up and of course menopause has kicked in which has it good and bad points that come along with that. I have reconciled with the fact that my son will be an only child. At least the only one that I will physically have. But, I think all in all the years have been pretty kind to me. 

Motherhood is nothing that I thought it would be. It is so much more then I could have ever imagined  in my wildest imagination. I will never know what kind of mom I would have been 20 years ago but I do know the mom that I am today and I am going to say I don't think I am half bad.  

My son wants a chocolate cake with gummy worms on it for decoration for his birthday. Before he was born gummy worms weren't even in my vocabulary. Yes, motherhood has definitely been an adventure. Now, I will be shopping for gummy worms, the ones with different colors on aisle 4 of the grocery store aisle.  

Nine Months, Two Weeks and 11 Days!

After nine months of being sick every single day of my pregnancy it was time, time to go to the hospital. I had prepared myself for nine months after I got over the shock for this baby. I did the usual stuff that all expectant mothers do. I got all the stuff that I thought the baby would need and some stuff that I didn't need. My son's father friends gave him a baby shower and he got some more stuff for the baby.
So, we walked into the hospital on December 7, 2004 intending to have my baby that same day. But, that didn't happen. They induced labor and for the next two days I laid in bed waiting to dilate enough for the baby to come out. They moved me from one side of the bed to the other, poked, tested, monitored me, etc..every five seconds it seemed someone was coming in the room to check on something. For two days I waited and waited and finally I said it was enough. I couldn't take any more poking, testing, moving, pain and someone was going to get this baby out of me NOW!

So, at 6:18am, December 9, 2004 my son was born via c-section. The minute I looked at the precious face I was in love with my baby. And then the nurse busted my temporary "baby bubble" she said now the work begins.

The New Normal

Sometimes for a long period of time, maybe months, maybe days, maybe even years things go good. They go so good that you are knocking on wood everyday hoping and praying that they will stay that way until the end of time or at least for the next week. It is just a period of time when things look great and if you had planned your life it wouldn't have come out any better then what you are living. Everything is just cool.

I take those periods and fully enjoy them because I know that before long they will just be a distant memory for me. I especially am over the moon happy when my mom doesn't have any health problems whatsoever. For a period of time she was in the hospital every other month and nobody, doctors wise, could figure out what was going on to drive her in and out of the hospital. They went with strokes, mini strokes as they called them and then some more doctor talk that they tried to bring down to the level of someone like me not in the medical profession, just a worried and concerned daughter, but most of it didn't make much sense to me and most of it I had to ask what they met over and over again until I got a better understanding of what they were talking about. At the last trip to the hospital they explained that on top of everything else they thought she was having small seizures and explained to me that all seizures are not the jerky kind, as they put it that you can just "zone out" like she was doing and being unresponsive but they come back in a few minutes or so. But the time they told me that my head was swimming with all the other things they told me and I was trying to digest it all. Five days later she was sent home with medications that could probably be used to open a small pharmacy. And to her it was a small pharmacy since she had never in her life been on anything until now. 

I always pray that we don't see another hospital and that her health at least stabilizes so to say. I know that she won't get much better and all these things won't disappear and that she will have to be on all these medications for the rest of her life but I just want the good days to last longer. I really want them to turn into good years and maybe a good decade. I want her to live the rest of her life as happy as she was before. She can't be as active but she can be as happy I think. So, everyday I try to do little things to make her happy. Just little things that she likes that makes a little difference to us but a big difference to her. She wanted chocolate candy the other day. I checked to see if she could have it. And it was a go so she got to have some chocolate candy and she smiled and ate that chocolate candy like it was the best thing she had tasted in her life. 

It gave me a smile seeing her enjoy it so much. She also likes her fuzzy bear slippers that we got her, my son and I, for Christmas two or three Christmas' ago. During the night she likes to wear them and giggles like a school girl when the ears of the bears move when she walks. Simple things like that give her joy now. We almost do the happy dance when she locates the sleeve or her shirt by herself and is able to put her arm through without any direction or help. My son even clapped for her one day when she did it all by herself. 

Well, this morning was rough. It had been the roughest one yet in a while. I would compare it to almost like taking care of a new born who is up every two or three hours and you are constantly up with the baby trying to figure out if she or he is hungry, wet, or just cranky and wanting attention from mom and dad. That was like my morning today. My mom had an upset tummy and she was in the bathroom practically all night and into the wee hours of the morning and it just not let up a little bit. I don't know what made that happen since she is not eating anything different. But, from time to time that happens and it takes it toll on us but in a day at the most she returns to her normal. 

Normal, that is a word for you. Normal changes way too often and what is normal today is not normal tomorrow and the next day and the next day and so on and so forth so I use that word with a grain of salt . Normal for my mom has changed greatly. Normal for me has changed and normal in general is not so "normal" any more. 

Read Me!

Lately at night I have been reading more books. It kind of relaxes me and it is very peaceful. So, I check out all the free kindle books and choose which ones look good. Usually most of them are "cheesy" romances. The kind where the girl and boy like each other go through some things and then end up together in the end and live happily ever after. I have read my share of them and some of them are pretty good and of course predictable. I found one that is about "big girls" but in the book the woman is not really that big in my opinion but in the standards of today of how big people should be I guess she would be "big" but this book was pretty good even though it had some romance, a couple of romances but the characters were believable. Apparently, there are a few books in the same series. I have read the first. 

I have always enjoyed reading since I first learned to read. I was always reading something. My son on the other hand is the complete opposite of me. He doesn't like to read a whole book. I have to read it with him, take turns in order for him to get through it. You would think it was torture for him to read a whole book by himself. But, at ten even though I like to read I also liked to play too. He loves being outside and playing on his bike or scooter or just being outside bouncing a ball. Anything but being inside and being "bored" as he puts it.  I do like the outdoors too but I also like to curl up with a good book every now and then. 

So, I ordered he second installment of the book about the big girls and am going to start reading that tonight while the rest of the house is asleep and it is just me and my kindle alone and me reading it peacefully and thinking about happy endings that can only be found in books.

One Shoe At A Time

I knew that this day was coming. I knew it the day my son was born and I was counting all of his tiny fingers and toes and playing "this little piggy" with him when he was a baby. I didn't think that it would be this soon though. I thought that it would be a couple more years down the line. I have been thinking about this day though for a while as I watched him get bigger and taller. Mostly taller. And the day finally got here today. 

I watched my son eagerly open the package that came this morning with his name on it. He loves getting mail and I watched as his eyes lit up when he realized what was in the package. His brand spanking new blue running shoes. I caught a good sale on Amazon a few days ago and I asked him if he liked them and he said that he did and so I ordered them with some Amazon gift card "cash" I had from Christmas that my friend had given me and some that I earned on the chat about site for 1000 points answering surveys and questions. I knew that sooner or later that he was going to need shoes again. And the sooner came a few days ago when he showed me holes in the bottom of a pair of shoes, his favorite pair. So, only one thing I could do was get some more. 

He smiled and tried them on and they fit. He laced them up and walked around the house a bit chomping at the bit to get outside to really test them out as he said. Then he took them off and neatly put them back inside the box they came in. I looked at my feet and noticed something. I look at his shoes and noticed something again. Then I started to wonder. I took the right shoe out of the box and put it on my right foot. It actually fit me. It actually was a little big on my foot too. I knew that this day was bound to come that one day his foot would be as big or bigger then mine. My nephews, two out of three of them anyway, have big feet. Big for me but I guess normal size for a man. 

So, I sat there and looked at my foot with the shoe on for a minute or two. I thought how did this happen so soon. At 10 his feet were bigger then mine and he is a mere 4 inches shorter than me now. Time all seemed to just go by so fast. So fast that I wished it would slow down just a little bit. Slow down so I can catch up. But, I know that is not the way it works. Life goes fast sometimes and some times you wish it would go fast when it is going slow. You just have to take it one day at a time, one year at a time and one shoe at a time. 

Sunday Morning

The smell of bacon filling the mid morning air woke me up out of a not so sound sleep. I love the smell of bacon. When it is coming out of my kitchen I really love the smell of it even more. This morning smells of bacon cooking and eggs sizzling on the stove only met one thing for me. It met that I didn't have to rush to get up on this Sunday morning to cook breakfast for anyone except myself. It met that I could just linger in bed for a few more minutes. I could take my time figuring out what tee shirt or sleeveless shirt I wanted to wear over my blue jeans and if I wanted to wear socks or not with my black sneakers. It met I could just have a few minutes for myself and not worry about who was eating and how much they were eating and what they wanted to eat and how I was going to shower, change, cook, clean the kitchen and find some time in between just for myself, some time to just sit and not move for a minute or two. I didn't hear any voices this morning calling my name asking for this and that and have I see this and that and complaining that the eggs are scrambled and not fried and that the pancakes need more syrup or whatever the need would be to make things right in the world of my family. 

On this morning I just sat on the edge of my bed and wondered how long I would have to just do little things that I don't usually do for me on Sunday mornings or any other mornings. I am usually the last person on my list of things to do. My mom is usually up early and I have to get up and give her meds and help her get dressed and situated before I make her breakfast. Don't get me wrong I love my mom and I don't mind taking care of her as she did for me when I needed her. Then my son usually is up next and well, he's 10 so everything he thinks revolves around him. Enough said. I remind him sternly that it doesn't. My brother is disabled too but he can mostly do his own thing. He's more independent that my mom ever gave him credit for. Of course, he's the baby of her children so she probably would liked to have kept him that way but he has learned to be independent regardless. I like that about him. He lets nothing stop him. 

So, as I sat on my bed and looking at the pile of various colors and styles of shirts I had piled onto it trying to decide what to wear over my jeans for today a wave of peace came over me. A wave that I hadn't felt in a while. The wave of peace told me that today everything was going to be okay that I didn't need to rush in the front room today or the kitchen, breakfast was taken care of, my mom was dressed and my nephew gave her her meds for the morning and I could just sit. Sit and be me for this one minute in time. 

The downside is this. I finally made it to the kitchen to see what I wanted for breakfast/brunch and although, my nephew cooked breakfast the cleaning up part wasn't done. The dishes  gave me the evil eye hanging out in the sink and the counters were filled with dirty bowls and silverware, the stove well, that is where the dirty pots are waiting. So, I guess you have to take the good with the bad and especially around here. But, the good thing is my bulk order of paper plates should be here by Tuesday! I wish someone would make disposable pots and I would be in not cleaning heaven! 

Tweens

Today is Easter Sunday. I don't have a big family, well, I don't associate with some of my family because as families do they sometimes go their separate

 ways for whatever reason, so the only family I celebrate anything with is small. Five or six people at the most. So, Easter is a small event. A small ham, a small chicken, some potato salad, some yams, some corn and some corn muffins. I cooked yesterday with the help of my sister. She wanted to do more to learn how to cook more. So, I was fine with that and fine with her helping doing the dishes. 

Now, in Easters past my son would cooperate with some pictures, some eating, coloring eggs and so on but this Easter he is acting like he's a teen already. Actually, I guess he is becoming what they now call a "tween". I don't even know where the "tween" ends and the "teen" begins. When I was growing up there was no such thing as a tween anything. You were either a teen or you weren't. But, I was trying to read about this new tween thing. I guess from what I gather it starts around 8-12 years old. So, at 10 I guess he is officially a tween. Today he was not wanting to cooperate like I said with anything. The only thing that his tween mind could think of was going outside to ride his scooter. I asked him to take the usual one or ten pictures and from the expression on his face you would think that I asked him to throw his scooter in the garbage or something. He gave me three or four eye rolls and then proceed to put his dress shirt on over his tee shirt. I didn't argue when I saw the some of the tee shirt sticking out at the bottom from the dress shirt. I knew that this was as good as it was going to get. With a frown on his face looking straight ahead he stood there and let me take a couple. I didn't want to take more since I got more personality from the picture of the colored eggs then from him today. He looked like he was totally bored and wished that he didn't have to stand there. I guess this is the moody tween stage. 

His friend came to the door to ask if he could come outside and of course since he was still clad in that aqua blue dress shoe with a tie and he declined the offer until he had time to change and told his friend that he had to take some "dumb" holiday pictures and would be out later. I just shook my head and stiffled the laugh that was going to come out. I was thinking that I should apologize to my mom for all the "dumb" pictures I gave her attitude for when she wanted to take one or two. 

Well, another holiday is almost over and I put away the camera for the next time. 

Daylight Savings!

I must admit when I was a kid I loved the daylight savings time of the year when the sun stayed out longer and you could play outside longer with your friends and your parents would actually let you do that. I remember when I was like maybe in the 6th or 7th grade they used to have the cartoon on about the Jackson 5. That was my group and so when the cartoon came on at 7:30 pm on Saturdays I was in the house by 7:25 to watch it and I gave up some of my play time. My cousin in New York thought I was crazy cause she was always playing outside until 8 pm at least. She couldn't figure out why I would want to give up playtime to watch TV. But, nonetheless, I did. After all, it was only one day out of the week and I was fine with that. 

Daylight savings time seems to start earlier and earlier now. I don't remember it starting this early ever. So, when it rolled around this year I was like UGH. Now, of course, my son wants to play outside longer because the sun or it is light out longer. Being a parent in today's world and really not having a backyard like I did when I was his age it is harder for me to let him stay outside as long as he wants. I worry about all the stuff that happens today that didn't really happen when I was growing up, or at least it happened at a slower rate and not too often. Yesterday, he played, riding his skateboard for about an hour or so in the front where I can see him and then he came in and did a little more school work and had his TV time and dinner. So, around 6:30 pm there is knock on the door. I could tell it was a kid by the sound of the knock. I cringed because I guessed it was the kids from across the street and I knew what they wanted. My son looked out the window and he said to me that it was them. He was hesitant about asking me if he could go outside and play for a while. I was hestitant too. It was getting late and although it wasn't dark yet it still was later then I wanted him to be outside. So, I told him that it was a little too late and he would have to go outside tomorrow. He didn't fuss when he told them that he couldn't come out and that they should have come earlier. They probably already knew that he wasn't coming out since by 6 pm he is always inside no matter what time of the year it is. So, they left went back to eating chips and arguing with each other about who is doing what and what they are playing. They are always arguing about something. I heard them go inside about a half hour later saying so and so was going to tell on so and so. At that minute I was glad that my son was not out there in the middle of all of that. 

Today, I don't know if they will outside again at 6 

pm but I do know who won't be outside at that hour. I know that it sucks for him but that is just the way it is in 2015. Boy, the world has changed a lot since I was a kid in the 70's and 80's which I now refer to as the "Good ole Days" something I never thought I would say when I was 10. 

Calgon Take Me Away!!

Some days I can take more noise then other times. Today is one of those days when my noise level is not very high. I guess it gets that way when there are too many people occupying this small space in which I live in. I remember that when we lived in a bigger space and it was a couple more people in that bigger space I didn't mind the noise too much because there were like 4 other rooms that I could go into and not hear a thing. Here it is a lot different. Here there are 5 people, two bedrooms, one small living room and one bath room. Not very many rooms to "escape" too. And when everyone is here it is all noise all the time. My son can make enough noise for oh lets say a round number here of about 2million people. And he is always where I need to be in the house most times.  My nephew is grown but sometimes he is 26 going on 6. And to top it off my son and nephew drive me crazy with a capital C just walking around and walking and walking aimlessly from room to room. I am like OK I am sure that you have found a destination by now since this is far from a mansion. They laugh and I take a Tylenol for my headache. 

I am not a complainer or a whiner most times but sometimes I just secretly wish that calgon could take me away like the commercial. But, then I laugh too because I think that if calgon could take me away someone would be knocking at the bathroom door to bring me back from my pretend trip.  That would be no good.  But, a girl can dream can't she? 

So with every TV on in the house, with every voice talking louder then necessary, with every bang of a random pot, dish or plate in the kitchen, with every closing of a door loudly and with every Tylenol I am taking for a headache I close my eyes and think like in the Wizard of OZ  there is no place like home.  But, this home is not like the Wizard of Oz it is more like that show 227. I used to love that show. 

It's dinnertime and I get happy at dinnertime because I know that after dinnertime bedtime is right around the corner and my bed and pillow can take me away like calgon.
 

Life's No VACATION

Before I had my son, long before, I had this fantasy that when I had kids I was going to do all the things that I never got to do when I was little. When I was a kid we couldn't afford to do much after my father died so all the plans that we had made before he died we never did. The family vacation to disneyland never happened, the vacation to Marine World never happened and so many things that we planned as a family never really happened. I didn't really fret over it or worry about it because even though we never had those family vacations my sister and I had fun just playing with our cousins over the summer riding bikes and eating junk food and having picnics in the front yard and even selling lemonaid in the front of the house. So, I never worried about the vacations that we were not going on. Although, honestly, when my cousins went to Hawaii and Disneyland one summer I was kind of jealous. I wish that we could go but I understood why we couldn't and although I missed them for the two weeks that they were gone we still had fun when they got back. 

I wanted to take all these vacations and more when I had kids. I actually told my sister one day when I was around 13 and she was 10 that when we had kids we would all go on family vacations with everyone. We would take our mom on the vacations that she never had with all of our kids. At that time I fooshily thought that I would have a big family, six or seven kids for me back then was my goal along with a good job to support all these kids. Funny how it didn't quite work out that way. But, nonetheless we thought that it was a great idea and couldn't wait until that day came. 

That day came when I was 41 years old and had my son. My sister by that time had her 3 boys and we still hadn't been on any vacations. It's ten years later since I had him and life kind of got in the way of all of our vacation plans. We sort of had one, ok, not really, but the closest we got to some sort of "vacation" when we were homeless and stayed in hotels, before then I had only stayed overnight in one with my grandmother at a convention near the airport. I had to think of something positive in a negative situation so I pretended with my then 4 year old that we were on a vacation. We had the suitcases, some clothes, and the car. We even at one point had stuff tied to the roof of the car like they do on some of the vacation movies I had seen on TV. So, for 4 months we pretended as we went from hotel to hotel, some cheap, some more expensive and some in the middle, that we were on an adventure. In a way it was an adventure. 

Once we found an apartment we stayed for a little bit and moved around the corner to a little, very little, bigger one. I was thinking that now maybe since we are more settled and my mom was in pretty good health that we could have a real small vacation. But, then life got in the way again. Jobs were lost, money got tight and times got harder yet again. So, the closest thing to a vacation we got was going to the marina to see the ducks for a while. Then other things happened also. My mom got sick and her health will never be the same. Walking down the stairs is not an easy task for her anymore so basically she is stuck in the house most of the time and some of the time she goes on the porch. She will not tackle the stairs and the only way she will is when she has to go to doctor's appointments. I really feel sad for her. She used to love being outside. We all loved to be outside in my grandma's garden. But, for now I guess it is what it is. I just hope that one day soon that we all can have a vacation together. 

Or maybe even get out to the park together, something we all took for granted until the day came when it was so hard to do. 

KrAzy FaMiLY

After my nephew graduated from high school over ten years ago he moved that same day to Los Angeles and has been there ever since. He has made a life for himself down there. Lately, since my mom has been sick I have been talking or texting him more then when he first moved there. Now, he has a child of his own who will turn a year old in a few days. I was just thinking how fast time does really fly when I looked at the calendar and thought to myself that in a few days that little Kevin will be a year old and we have yet to meet him in person. It is like Los Angeles is in another country sometimes and it is about a 8 hour drive away from where we are. But, nonetheless, works, schedules, school, etc..always get in the way and before you know it a year has passed and I am standing there looking at the calendar thinking boy, time went fast. 

The other night I was texting him about how my mom was doing and then I asked him out of the blue sort of if he was going to get his son baptized and he said oh yeah he was. From what he told me I think that the child will have two baptisms but I could be wrong. It took me back to when my son was baptized when he was about 14 months old. I remember that day. It was a day that I couldn't forget if I tried because it was full of drama and funny things.

It all started with trying to book the church and it took two tries to get that done. After the church was booked the day came and we lived during that time about ten or so blocks away from the church. I thought that we would be driving there but nope as luck would have it the car was broken and so we had to walk in the unseasonal heat of 80 degrees in February. Before we even started our hot journey to the church was the journey to find some God parents for my son. So, my son's dad picked the Godfather and the Godmother we had chosen started to have problems with her boyfriend shortly after my son was born so we had to choose another. I chose my sister. So, there we were on the day. My son was sick with some stomach bug that he had woke up with that morning. I was thinking okay this is not going to be a great day. So, I dressed him, dressed myself and my sister and two nephews were going with us so they all got dressed. Being that we had just moved in to the house we were staying in nobody really looked like they were going to church dressed in their best  "good " clothes as we would say when we were little. We all just opened clothes boxes and tried to find something clean and presentable to wear. So, it was not like where everyone dressed in their Sunday best with flowing dresses and suits and ties. Nope we had on slacks, jean, shorts and blouses and tee shirts. I know we looked quite the sight. My son was dressed up though. Not in a tradition christening gown though. He had on an outfit that was worn by his oldest cousin when he was that age. So, off we went in our walking shoes.

My mom didn't go because she was waiting for my uncle to come by with something important, I can't remember what it was now but back then she was adamant that she couldn't leave before he came so she stayed at the house. So, we loaded the stroller with my son, some water, and a baby bag and off we went. Now, I didn't exactly time this thing right thinking that we would be walking faster then we actually did walk and so we were not even half way when we were supposed to be there. I was thinking that the priest was probably ready to send smoke signals to us because we were so late. 

We got there about 15 min late and my son's father was supposed to meet us there. He calls and says that his mom who was supposed to give him a ride said she couldn't. So, he had to borrow a car from the neighbor across the street whom he was house sitting for while he was in Hawaii. Did I mention that the neighbor was supposed to be the Godfather? Yep, he was. So, since he was in Hawaii we needed a stand in for the Godfather, that was supposed to be my son's father's brother, but his father's brother couldn't come either because the day before his wife decided to leave him. So, we had to choose a stand in for the stand in.The stand in for the stand in was my nephew. So, we got to the church with all the stand in's and such and my son's dad still was not there. The priest went over the ceremony with us and we waited for my son's dad to come and he arrived 20 min after we got there. I know that the priest was probably tired of us by then. My youngest nephew read from the bible, my son threw up on me twice during the ceremony which only lasted 10 minutes or so and then we thanked the priest and were off to the long walk back home. 

My son's father arrived in a truck so that met that none of us but one person could ride in the truck so my youngest nephew rode with him and we all walked. By the time we got back to the house we were all tired and sweating. My son was sleeping on the way until the key was turned to unlock the door and then he opened his eyes  and as soon as I picked him up he threw up again on me. We took him to the doctor whom said what we thought it was a virus and it should pass in a few days and it did.

So, that was that he was baptized and we were all happy that I only had one child. 

I don't know who my grand nephew's baptism is going to go but with our crazy family I wouldn't be surprised if there will be another funny story to tell in the near future. 

With Cream and Sugar Please

Two mornings ago the smell of coffee filled the air of my house. It reminded me of the smell of my grandmother's house. When I was little and spent the night there every morning the smell of coffee woke me up. I used to love that smell. I would run down the stairs to the kitchen where I would find her usually sitting at the table sipping on a cup of strong hot coffee reading the paper or watching morning TV. By then my step grandfather had already gone to work after his coffee and his big breakfast that she would make for him. I think that the mornings after he left for work were just her time to relax and think about the day. 

I would always ask for some coffee because in my mind of a child it made me feel grown up sipping on coffee just like my Nana. She would fill a little coffee mug that she got just for me. She would ask me how I liked my coffee and I would say with sugar and cream please. She would put milk in it for the cream and I would have more milk then coffee. But, I didn't care. We would sip our coffee and share stories and talk about what we would do for the day. Most of the time we would walk all over the city. We would end up at her favorite thrift store down the way called the Turn About Shop at that time, and we would browse and I would try on stuff and she would usually buy me a little something and then it would be time for lunch. Nana was pretty thrifty and so we would hardly buy a $3 sandwich for lunch. Once we walked into a deli and when the man told her that the sandwiches were $3 a piece I thought that Nana was going to faint. Back then $3 was a lot of money for some bread, meat and cheese. Needless to say we walked out and walked right over to the grocery store across the street and got some tuna, bread, lettuce, and tomatoes for $3. We made our own sandwiches and Nana made punch and we had our lunch at her house in the backyard under the old pear tree while her little dog, Caesar begged for food. 

So, when the smell of coffee woke me up the other morning I felt like I was transported back to another time in my life, 45 years ago when I would wake up and have coffee with Nana. I miss those days. I miss Nana. I don't make coffee because after Nana died I really didn't have anyone to drink it with. But, it was never really about the coffee it was about the company, the stories, the bonding and the love. 

I sincerely felt my grandmother's spirit that morning when I came into my own kitchen where my nephew was standing near the kitchen counter stirring his coffee in his cup and asking my mom how would she like her coffee and she said, "With sugar and cream please."

Reading Rainbowish

It is strange how sometimes you get reminded of things from the past while you are doing something in the present. My son doesn't like to learn new words, which is strange because he likes to read, but nonetheless, I had to get creative for him to learn new spelling words so I came up with a game that I used to watch on TV back in the day called Concentration where the people had to remember stuff and I used to play it with cards when I was younger with my sister. So, I wrote his spelling words on index cards or card stock and we play concentration so he is learning the words and he is having fun all at the same time. Of course, he gets a thrill out of "beating" mommy too, an added bonus. 

So, while I was playing this game with him last night I was thinking back to about 10 years or so ago when I had applied for  a job reading to the blind. I found this job online when I was volunteering at job center helping other people compose their resumes and cover letters. So, I said what the heck and applied for it since you know I can read and all. I was thinking how hard can that be? I got a call a couple weeks later for an interview. I had to take the bus and I was early, typical for me going places I have never been. I left in plenty of time in case I got lost and had to call for help or directions. I sat on this bench across the street from the place and waited and chatted with this homeless woman until it was time for me to go in. She was very nice and told me a lot about the place before I left. She had used it for some services since she was disabled herself. I thanked her for the information and she smiled and wished me luck. 

I go in and the receptionist tells me to have  a seat which I did on a little chair about ten feet from the desk. A man sat in the chair next to me. He was tall, bald and had a beard that reminded me of Santa Claus. He asked me if I could help him fill out a form for his case worker because he forgot his reading glasses. Before we were done the case worker called him and he wished me luck with the interview and hurried down the hallway to an office with an open door at the very end of the hallway. 

About ten minutes later this woman appeared and introduced herself and asked me to follow her. We walked to the other end of the building where her office was and so were a couple of people and they all introduced themselves. I sat down and was given a book with a book mark in it and was asked to turn to that page and read the page. I did. It was a passage about Freud. It had some big words as my son would say but I managed to read them correctly. 

The next step was answering questions from them. The typical what would you do questions if this or that happened.  I did the best I could with those and that was basically the end of the interview besides the usual don't call us we will call you. 

I didn't get the job. They never called so I called them and found out that way. But, that was okay. 

I told my son that story last night and emphasized the importance of reading and even though I didn't get the job I told him I still had to know how to read lots of words. He agreed and guess what? He now wants to play our concentration game ten times per day. I think I need to find more new words. 

Taking the Stairs

My son likes to play around a lot, sometimes all day long if he could get away with it. So, the other day when I was holding ten bags of groceries trying to get them up the stairs in as less trips as possible and my son was holding one bag he was walking so slowly up the steps with me behind him laughing all the way. Well, my arms felt like they were about to fall off holding these million bags, OK

, maybe 3-4 in each hand but it felt like 10 or ten million at the time, I was just trying to hurry him along. He thought it was so funny that I walk extremely slower then him almost at all times. It is true. I am old and he is 10. I told him of course most of the time I walk slower then him but it is not that I can't walk as fast as him. I just told him that so he would not think that I had one foot in the grave already. 

So, on the second trip to the car to grab a few more bags of groceries, my son did the same thing walking at turtle speed and laughing at and looking back at me from time to time. Thankfully, we only have oh about 15 steps. I was going to say something to him because I was tired. It had been a long day and then to boot we had to go to the grocery twice in one week. Not exactly my favorite place to go. It costs more to get less. I was thinking if he doesn't hurry up I have to yell in public at him and embarrass myself in front of the 80 year old neighbor who just had to be nosy and come outside to take a look  at what was going on. Then I thought again, before I said anything that he is only going to be 10 once. I should not be upset that he is playful and laughing and having a little fun with me going up the stairs that I should be laughing right along with him and swinging my bags too going up the stairs and down the stairs. Pretty soon he is not going to want to playfully go up the stairs with me holding groceries he is going to be a teen in a few years and not want to be seen with me. So, I should enjoy this time while I can. 

I decided to do just that. No more "grumpy tired I wish you would hurry up face" I laughed along with him and up and down the stairs we went happily swinging bags of over priced groceries.

Just Sitting

This morning I woke up a little early. Not much earlier then normal but I didn't really sleep too well last night so I was up about an hour earlier then normal for me. Everyone else was still asleep so the house was an eerie quiet. There are not many times during the day in this house where you can hear a pin drop except very early mornings. So, I got up and was going to turn on the TV in my room but decided not to. I checked my text messages on my phone, some of them and then I decided to just sit. I just sat on the edge of the bed and did absolutely nothing . I just sat. I listened to the neighbors outside in the parking lot chatting. The old building manager is always out there doing something or the other mainly because she uses the back door more then the front door so she is usually out there. She talks to everyone coming and going in the parking lot. Most are going to work or school that early in the morning. This morning the neighbors in the next building were telling her that they were Los Angeles bound. I guess for the weekend but they didn't really say. She asked them if they were all packed and to drive safely because of the storm that rolled in today. They loaded their toddler and dogs in the car and off they went. She briefly said hello to another neighbor and told them about her son who was coming to pick her up that's why she was outside waiting. 

It is amazing how much you hear when you are just sitting and being still. Not doing a thing just sitting and listening. I heard the garbage truck and the garbage collectors coming down the driveway to empty the garbage bin that is back there. They gossip about co-workers most of the time and are very loud. They would wake you up out of a good sleep. They come every week bringing the noise with them. Fortunately, it is only a few minutes of noise. Then back to normal. 

My son woke up briefly to go to the bathroom and asked if he could have something to drink. He barely touched the orange juice he poured himself and then went back to sleep. I got up and checked up on my mom in the other room. She was sleeping soundly. I crept back into my own room and sat some more and thought some more. I listened to the rain that finally came hit the window and listened to the wind blowing the raindrops that were hitting the window. 

I thought that today was nice. Just to sit and listen, not move for a while, not rush into the kitchen as I usually do after run to the shower to try to take a quick one before everyone wakes up and they want to run to the shower too, not to rush to cook breakfast, make lunches, wash dishes, scrub counter tops and wait for phone calls that are bound to come. Not today. Today I just sat in the peace and quiet of the early morning. 

I didn't know how relaxing that it was and I am thinking that I should do this more often. Sitting and listening to the quiet in the house. 

Entering the World of TEN

Last year my son turned 10 years old. I was happy and sad all at the same time. I was glad that he was ten but sad that he was ten, he had reached double digits in the blink of an eye.  Physically, he is growing up so very fast. He is almost as tall as I am. Not that I am tall but at ten he is very close to my height which is 5’4. By the summer we will be eye to eye.  The doctor said at his annual physical that he will be at least 6’4. I am in no hurry for that to happen, my baby being a foot taller than I am. Nope, not ready for that at all.

The other day he came inside from playing a long game of hide and seek tag with his friends, a game they made up, I noticed he smelled and not the usual sweaty smell that he had at nine but a different smell, like he needed a shower fast and some deodorant smell. I was thinking could this be the beginning of puberty?  I am not ready for that either but nonetheless, I had to start thinking of what kind of deodorant that I should buy for a ten year old on our next trip to the drug store. But in the mean time I handed him a extra container of secret deodorant I had and told him to put it on after his shower. He complained that it was a girls deodorant and was I sure boys could use it.  I assured him that it was fine boys could use it and that on our next trip to the store we would buy him some for “boys”.

Over the past year my son has shown more independence also. He is taking more responsibility for his chores and even offered to wash dishes after dinner. He needs less help from me doing homework which is a very good thing since the 4^th grade math makes my head swim sometimes. And he has his own little routine in the morning when he gets dressed. He came up with a system all by himself and lays out his clothes the night before including his socks.  He even makes his own lunches which brings me to his ever increasing appetite.  This child can eat like a linebacker most of the time. I was like where did this come from? Some days it seems like the fridge never stays closed long. Fruit disappears faster than I can fill the bowl I keep it in on the table. It seems like it skips the bowl and goes straight into his stomach. I am glad that he eats mostly healthy foods and loves fruits and most veggies.  But, there are times when he wants that junk food too and sometimes on certain weekend days if you came to our house you might find both of us in a junk food haze watching a marathon of Cartoon network.

I am also finding out that this age is definitely the age of contradiction. My son will not hug me in public  because it is embarrassing he says. Then the other night while I was cooking dinner and he was playing in the front room and watching TV he came into the kitchen and asked for a hug. I was delighted to give him one since I hadn’t hugged him in days. It was a sweet moment. Of course, the no hugging in public rule still applies with him.  He is very independent but sometimes he needs help and guidance with his sticking to his schedule and I am happy to help with that.

Last night I was watching him sleep.  He did not like the fact that his bedtime changed to earlier because I wanted him to get enough sleep.  Every article I have read said that sleep is very important especially for growing kids.  He didn’t like it but I noticed that he almost goes right to sleep when he gets in bed now and I was thinking that the first ten years went by so fast. My baby is more independent,  taller, smarter, and becoming a tween right before my eyes.

At the Other End of the Aisle

Yesterday we went to the grocery store to pick up a few things for my mom's homecoming from the hospital. I usually try to avoid going to the store on the weekends because there is no parking or hard to find parking and we circle the parking lot endlessly around and around searching for someone coming out or a park closer to the store then a two block radius. We got sort of lucky yesterday since we only had to make one circle around the lot to find a parking space and we found a basket inside the store. The store wasn't that packed but the parking lot sure was. People parking there and going about their business other places I guess. Well, I told my son that he couldn't get a cartload of his "goodies" that day that this trip was strictly

for grandma. So, we walked around the store going down aisles trying to find this and that on the list and I noticed that this man who was about in his early thirties I would guess walking around. He didn't have a cart nor was he carrying any groceries in his hand so I was assuming that he probably was undercover security. Sometimes they have them walking around pretending to shop. I can spot them all the time. 

It looked like every other aisle that we walked down he was there just walking. So, by the time we got to the juice aisle I figured out that he was there with his mom. He reached the high shelf to get the juice down for her and then he put it in her cart. He resembled her quite a bit so I knew that he was either her son or grandson. Without a word exchanged between them she pushed the cart onward to the next aisle and he moved to a totally different aisle. He reminded me of my son. I was thinking that would my son in about 20 years. I could see him and I at the store and I am at one of the store and him at the other. In my son's case probably because he gets bored easily and can't keep still to save his neck. 

It was kind of like I was looking through a crystal ball and I laughed to myself. If my son could run down the aisle now at the other end of the store he would be there doing it. 

When we were in the check out line I saw them, mother and son, behind the person who was behind us. I paid for our stuff and then when we were driving out of the parking lot we saw them again. This time the son was pushing the cart to the big sliver truck in the parking lot and his mom followed for a minute and then ventured off the other way towards another store. 

It is just one of those things that I know will happen to me one of these days with my son. But for now he has to stay close to the cart. I will cherish these days, the days of staying close to mom because I know that in a blink of an eye he will be at one end of the store and me at the other. 

Like a Boss!

When I was in the fourth grade my grandfather gave me a blue plastic brief case for Christmas. He was always getting me something that I would have never thought of asking for and this was one of those things. I don't remember what was on my Christmas list that year but I am pretty sure a blue brief case was not one of the things. But, nevertheless, I thought it was pretty cool and I knew that none of my friends would have one. So, after Christmas break I happily loaded all of my papers in it for school, which was not much at the time. Those were the days when you didn't have to carry two tons of school books home with you and lug them back and forth to school. So, I put my handful of papers in it and headed to school. All of my friends thought that it was pretty cool too and had never seen anything like it before. I must admit it was a unique gift. Plus I thought it made me look like a business woman. A business woman in a Catholic School uniform. We had green uniforms at the time. I wore a green sweater, green plaid skirt, green tights, and white shoes, with a crisp white blouse to top everything off. Looking back I probably resembled a human green frog. But, at the time it was what we had to wear so I wore that uniform proudly and I proudly carried that blue briefcase with me back and forth to school for months, until the school year ended. That was the last year I carried any sort of backpack. Once I got to the fifth grade which was considered the upper grades, I guess because in the fifth grade you had to walk up 3 stairs to get to the classroom and we were all proud to walk up those extra steps made us feel grown up. After the forth grade I carried my books in my arms all the way through high school. 

What made me remember that plastic blue briefcase was that I was looking at backpacks with my son the other day online and we happen to see some briefcase, I think that we clicked one too many times. But, he asked me if I ever had one when I was a kid or an adult. I told him about my blue one and later on when I was around 20 I think, I had an interview with the local school for office assistant, by then my grandfather had gotten me a new briefcase. It was a brown leather one with a short handle and so for the interview along with my "business suit" which consisted of a rust colored skirt, white blouse and tan jacket, I took along my brand new leather briefcase I had gotten for Christmas of course. I guess since the blue one was a hit many years before he decided to get me another one years later.  So, armed with my briefcase in hand I walked with confidence to the front desk and told the receptionist I was there for an interview. She sort of eyed my briefcase and probably wondered what I could possibly have in it since I was so young and so inexperienced. I really didn't have anything in it but my resume, the application I filled out for the job, and some references in case she asked. I took a seat and waited to be called. I was the only one there and felt good. A few minutes later this tall professional looking burnette woman with long, long hair called me into her office. I was a little disappointed that she didn't ask for my resume or anything else I had in my briefcase because it would have given me a reason to open it. I had practiced opening it with precision and it only took me a few seconds to get it open and closed. But, she didn't ask for anything just the routine questions they used to ask back then and I answered to the best of my ability and figured that it wouldn't hurt to tell her that  two summers ago I had worked there for the summer with the youth job program helping out the receptionist, a different receptionist though that probably had moved on to another job. She seemed impressed that I knew the old one and thanked me for coming in. On the way out she eyed my briefcase somewhat and was probably wondering what I had in it also. 

Although, I didn't get the job what I did gain was some newly acquired confidence thanks to my brown leather briefcase. I carried it around to many interviews afterwards like a boss.  And a few times even got to open it up.